Failing as a Perfectionist

I actually wish I was kidding when I say I just checked my grades while I was at work and I almost cried. Like, I felt the burning sensation in my eyes that happens when tears are about to start flowing. 

This semester, my GPA is NOT what it usually is. And it’s going to disappoint me, my parents and my future employers. But no stress or anything, lol. 

I have had a high GPA since my first semester of Freshman year. I’m that student who does the readings, even if they’re optional. I listen in class. I meet with my teachers for office hours. I make appointments at the university writing center. I work with tutors if I’m struggling. And every semester, I pull off a GPA higher than a 3.8. 

I’m a try-hard and a bit of a perfectionist, which I understand may annoy some people. But I embrace it and take pride in it. To me, my job is to be a student and my one main goal is to get good grades. I mean that’s why I’m here and paying thousands of dollars in tuition every year, right?

This semester, I have one really difficult teacher. I go to him almost every Tuesday and Thursday asking for feedback on my essays. He gives it to me, I fix it, I go to the writing center to get even more help and feedback, and I’ll bring it back to him about 2-3 more times before I end up submitting it for a grade. When the grade comes back, C’s and C+’s keep covering my papers. I’ve never gotten anything lower than a B on an assignment until this class. It’s frustrating and honestly a bit discouraging when I try and do everything I can to get my grade up, but I just keep getting knocked down and don’t see any improvement. 

I’ve got about a week left of class left and then finals, so my time is running out. And honestly, at this point i’m not even stressed out about it anymore. I’m just disappointed.

You know when you pride yourself on something and then you fail to achieve it? It’s such an awful feeling of failure. I remember when I was a junior in high school and taking my driving lessons and I was a freakin PRO at parallel parking. I mean, I could do it with my eyes closed. All of my friends would constantly talk about how they struggled with it and I would just be like “I got this”. The day of my driver’s test, I didn’t even get to show off my parallel parking skills, because I ran a stop sign and failed. I was SO upset. I was so proud of my driving. I was convinced I’d ace it. And when I didn’t, I was so sad. Not to be dramatic, but I locked myself in my room for a day or two. 

That’s how I feel when I look at my grades this semester. I have a literal pit in my stomach when I think about it. 

As the try-hard, perfectionist, Type-A, annoying student that I am, it’s hard for me to let things like this go. But I realize that it’s not the end of the world. I’ll still get a job, my parents will still love me, and I’ll achieve other things in my lifetime. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that things will work out.